Not for the Weak

This is the face of depression. 

Left Me was taken five minutes before leaving for work this morning. Right Me was five minutes after getting home.

Left Me is the me most people know. She's the one they grew up with or the one who makes the hours pass entertainingly at the office. She's the one telling anecdotes at the holiday table and the one who makes toddlers and old men giggle. Left Me is confident, independent, hilarious and full of love and kindness to share.

Right Me is the one only I see if I happen to cross paths with a mirror at the times I least wish to do so. Right Me hides in bathroom stalls crying and stays home many weekends crippled on the couch. Right Me is the wrong me. She feels purposeless, anxious, annoying and needy.

Left Me doesn't want the world to know that Right Me exists. But, there Right Me is! Puffy and frazzled and frozen on the couch.

Right Me makes Left Me feel weak. She creeps up at least once a decade just to f**k with my life. She sleeps too much but is never well-rested. She aches with pains that seize up our legs. She's lonely yet, ironically, just wants to be left alone. She has sad memories and decides to broadcast them on replay just as Left Me was starting to pick up steam.

Left Me wishes Right Me would just pack up and leave! But Right Me has no place to go. Instead she tries to crumple up Lefty's bucket list and distract her from her livelihood. She ruins relationships and all the progress Left Me has made. But, for whatever reason, she's a part of us and we need to learn to live with her because that's our lot in life. She's our cross to bear.

I don't know why I'm so ashamed to admit that Right Me exists. We all have a Right Me to some extent or another. 

She's a little shit, but a tough one. You see, Right Me has been through alot. I should be proud of her because she's quite the champion. Battered but not broken. Maimed but not killed.

She even keeps me safe at times, 'cause that Left Me's a livewire! She brings wisdom by studying the things that Left Me would rather ignore. She slows down Left Me's runaway train. She refuses to stay busy just for busyness's sake. She makes us stop. She makes us think.

Sure Right Me's a downer, but she's probably saved Left Me's life more times than she cares to admit. Lefty's wreckless. Righty walks on eggshells.  Odd pair, but somehow a necessary team.

Right Me always seems to show up with a sack full of caution just after Left Me has thrown it all to the wind.

Even though she's a pain, I'm beginning to think I need her. She's a useful pacemaker. She uses that time on the couch to reset our wiring and turn back on all the circuits that Lefty had wildly disengaged.

I'm learning to see depression as a building block in my life. The emergency brakes to the runaway train. It hurts me. It's exhausting. But, it always builds me up stronger and stores up new reserves as it passes that I never dreamed I had any room left for.

I actually started this writing this two months ago but didn't find the courage to post it until now. Right Me convinced me that no one would understand. But, I now know that way too many of you do.

If you also suffer, don't give up. Let your mind and body restore during your slow moving seasons. Use the time that you're down to explore the basement while you're there. There are alot of useful tools down here once you find the strength to look around. Just promise yourself you'll never ever stop looking.

Be a Fountain not a Drain

I love this quote. I wish everyone around me would follow it.

It's sooo taxing to be around a drain. They just sap your reserves and wring your soul of all spiritual hydration. They make you feel like you're circling down the pipes along with all the sludge and gook and bugs that you were too hesitant to smush. Only to wind up in the garbage disposal that will be forgotten to be turned on for at least a week because, let's face it, happy homemaker you're not.

Uck! It's disgusting down here. Get me out!

But, oh crap... wait! Today I was the drain.  And, I dragged everyone in my path down into my hairball and leftovers lair with me.

It feels shitty to be the drain.

I'm known for being a fountain a better percentage of the time. I try to be humble of this reputation since my innards betray my outtards more often than I'd like to admit. But, being a fountain is rewarding.

You hydrate others instead of parch. You cleanse instead of muddy up. You bring life instead of making others wish death (...on you.) I enjoy my fountain days. They give me purpose on a path that's otherwise not so clear.

So, when a fountain becomes a drain it can feel like this:

When a fountain becomes a drain on Day 2 of "shark week", it's a little more like this:

That's poo water, friends. POO water!

So far, today, I've poo-watered a good friend with a rude remark, I poo-watered all my co-workers with my crabby attitude, I poo-watered the IT department when my computer at work decided poo-water on me.

It was a bad day of fecal proportions and I'm now locked inside my home until morning so I can't possibly poo-water on any innocent passers-by for the rest of the day. I'm poo-watered out!

But you know who got poo-watered on the most? It was me.

My friends and co-workers have already forgotten this day. (Or, at the very least, are now relieved I've gone away.) My job will still be there tomorrow. Nobody died. Nobody cried. (Well, maybe "the drain" did a little. I'm soft.)

The nice balance in life is that when you have a day where you just feel stuck being the drain, God sends fountains along to keep your plumbing in order.

Thank you God! And, thank you fountains!

Fountains can't always be fountains 100% of the time. And, drains sometimes just need a little filtering in order to run clean again.

One day was enough for me on sewage duty. I've had my fill!

So, have no fear friends, family, and co-workers... I'll do my very best tomorrow to be sure my pipes are running clean. (Last plumbing pun, I swear.) There may be a drain that needs a fountain tomorrow. (Okay, one more.)

Give. Teach. Live. Love.

I've been flipping through my Maya adages to find the perfect match for the current events of this tragic week.

"Hate. It has caused alot of problems in the world, but has not solved one yet." was the first to come to mind. 

I've seen so many beautiful quotes on love vs hate posted this week by the likes of Martin Luther King, Jr., Mathatma Ghandi, Mother Teresa, Jesus Christ.

But, after two days of sadness, anger, disbelief and frustration with this nation; it was the one pictured above that stood out to me today.

  "If you get, give. 

If you learn, teach."

-Maya Angelou

I don't know the solution to our country's problem with hate, violence, prejudice and dysfunction any more than the next person does. But, a common thread found within these United States is, not only a lack of giving and teaching; but an excess of misgiving and misteaching.

It's easy to recognize the actions of hate in hindsight. But, where are its roots?

Give: People are keen on the idea of receiving. But, when asked to give, the excuses flow forth.

I see constant debate on social media over the state of welfare in our country. Some think no one is entitled to a helping hand. Others think they deserve everything handed to them by rights of mere citizenship. Everyone has their opinion on what our taxes should and should not be spent on. But, if that money were ours to keep and give charitably as we choose, would we really be spending it on the things we preach we would?

We have millions of opinions on our government's choices on giving. It stirs us up. It angers us. It gives us tight fists over hands we don't control. But, what do we do with what we actually have? With what we've worked for. With our time? With our talents? 

It's easy to point out what others don't have: "Look at the neighbor's kid, running around with holes in his clothes!" "Those Johnson kids play outside all day and never go inside for lunch!" "Old Man Wilson's lawn is overgrown again!" "That car with the flat better move off the highway. It's going to cause an accident!" "That stray cat that's been hanging around is all nasty, skin and bones!"

It's easy to recognize a need. That's not petty at all. It's when we choose to talk about these things without any intention of aiding that pettiness sets up its hateful roots. 

Do you have hand-me-downs laying around? Food in the house? A lawnmower? A jack in the car? A loving home? Give! Share!

Don't point out the needs of others unless you're doing so to find them help.

"You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving." -Amy Carmichael

If you choose to see others as humans---not for their needs, not for what they have or don't have, not for their differences or similarities---maybe that can be the beginning of erasing the idea of "us" and "them".

If we are all "us", there can be no "them".

Teach: I see alot of "teaching" going on these days. Especially during this election year. (Word to the wise: Teaching traditionally isn't done in all caps.)

In a single Facebook session, I've been schooled on racial appropriation, food toxins, breast-feeding, slut-shaming, gun control, who to vote for, who not to vote for, which god I should believe in and also why I shouldn't believe in one at all.

Back in the day, we were educated in school, in our places of worship, in the home, by three television networks and within our circles of friends. These days we have the internet and are exposed to a whole new plethora of learning. 

This is great for book reports, research papers, library-less communities. Responsible use.

But, this also means that everyone's opinion is everywhere. And, the easily-influenced now have access to ten million versions of absolute truth.

It's often said that hatred isn't something one is born with, but is taught. I do believe this to be true. But, I also believe many are ignorant to who it is that's doing the teaching.

I just did an internet search on "hate is taught" and some of the accompanying memes in its results only proved this point further. 

This phrase was pointedly attached to images of specific races and religious groups. "[Religious Group] children are raised to hate us!" "[Race] and [Other Race] kids play together until [Race] parents tell them not to!" Grown adults actually posted this mess as some sort of lesson on world harmony. By finger-pointing at what another race/religion is doing wrong?! Newsflash: You've just influenced more hate.

We need to choose our words more carefully and recognize that we are all teachers, whether we've signed up for it or not.

Every word we've spoken has been heard by somebody. Which means that every negative opinion we've verbalized has influenced somebody in our lives. Intentionally or not.

Here's a cheat sheet so you know when you're teaching: 

1. Anytime a word comes out of your mouth.
2. Anytime you type out words and then hit "post" or "send".
3. Anytime you wear a tshirt with words on it.
4. Anytime you put a bumper sticker on your car.
5. Anytime you share someone else's post or internet meme.
6. Anytime you respond to what someone else has said.

Live: Giving and teaching is done in our daily lives. We don't always realize when we're doing it either. That's how easy it can be to influence change.

The country is currently on edge over who our next elected leader will be. Will it be a racist? A liar? A cheater? A crook?

Either way, we will soon be led by someone that half of the nation did not elect.  We will be led by someone that half of the nation does not agree with and led by a person that a large percentage will claim to hate. (FYI: Hating politicians is still classified as hate.)

Our singular vote is in our hands, but the outcome is completely out of them. So, what do we do?

We simply have to live.

Our president doesn't have a say in our voice. Our hearts. Our guts. Our world views. No matter what the election outcome, you are still you. Your convictions aren't dictated by who's sitting in the Oval Office. You still have your audience. You can still produce change. 

You don't have to be a celebrity. You don't have to be a government leader. You don't need a megaphone or huge sphere of influence.

Everybody has a circle of humans that they interact with each day. Give lovingly and teach wisely there. If everyone were kind to each person in their path, every person on earth will have been shown kindness daily.

My favorite stories that have come out of this week are the ones about police officers who make good use of giving and teaching in their daily lives. The ones who take the time, in whatever community they're assigned to, to interact with the children. To chat up the locals and become a true friend to the city that they protect and serve. The ones who make good use of the time spent exactly where they spend it.

I love the stories of races protecting other races and religions protecting other religions. This shouldn't be newsworthy. This shouldn't be noteworthy. This should be every day life.

I was blessed to grow up in a very culturally mixed community and it never dawned on me that this wasn't an all-American norm until someone on the outside would point this out. I grew up thinking racism was a sad lesson from the history books. Until I was old enough to watch the news, I didn't realize this still existed. I never knew of a concept "us" and "them" until the media tried to convice me that there was one.

Love: We might not feel inclined to love everyone. But, it is possible to show compassion to everyone that we meet. And, compassion breeds love.

When I was a young adult, I used to work in retail. I often worked late nights and there were several times where I was sure I was about to get robbed. There were times when it was obvious that a customer wasn't a customer, but was scoping the store layout and checking for safes and escape routes, without even glancing at the merchandise they were supposedly shopping for.

My strategy was always to engage with these people. They're human too, I figured. Human interaction elicits some sort of emotion, whether good or bad. I would always look them in the eye and smile. Greet them and show them kindness. They always left the store. They never once purchased a thing. But, they never once robbed me either.

I couldn't even tell you what race these people were. I couldn't tell you their height or weight or clothing descriptions. I certainly couldn't guess what I thought their belief system was. I wasn't paying attention to those things. I was looking into their eyes and hoping to see their hearts.

Is it really that easy? It's simple in theory. But, it's not easy!

It's hard to reach out when you're tired. When you've had a long day. When you don't feel like being a helper. You don't always have to be the helper. Just don't let a bad mood turn you into a hurter.

Especially in your every day company. Those are the easiest audiences to let your guard down around.

I'm a smart mouth. I'm quick to blurt out whatever comes across my mind. I'm constantly biting at words I'd just spoke, trying to gobble them back in after it's too late. I might say something rude just to shoo someone away. You never know how this might be misinterpreted.

It's not always a race issue, a religion issue, or a social issue. It's a heart issue. Are you going to choose to be hard today? Or, be soft and approachable? Do you want to be a helper or a hurter? Giving and teaching are outward actions. We can't close up within ourselves and expect change. We must do. The rest will fall in line. Your actions will affect your circle. And, your circle's mood and actions will reflect off of how they've been treated and what they've been shown.

I think so much of the hate we see in the world spawned from people who were never shown kindness or love. And, so much of hate was bred in homes that misgave and mistaught.

This happens individually. Not as a whole community. Not as a entire demographic. Let's stop the cycle of thinking there is an "us" and a "them". Let's not let the next generation even know of this concept.

Let's see the "bad guys" as individuals. The ones who made a choice to do wrong and chose not to become the person they were created to be. Don't lump them together with everyone that looks like them, talks like them, worships like them, or goes to work at the same place as them.

Is everybody going to follow suit? Of course not. But, wouldn't that be nice?

In this regard, it's just as important to represent ourselves well. If we have people in our circle who regard us as a "them"... let's change their concept of who "they" are and what "they" act like. If we don't fit their stereotype, then maybe, just maybe, someone's stereotypes might dissolve around them.

Everyone that is on the news this week is a human. The shooters are humans. The victims are humans. The witnesses are humans. The reactors are humans. The demonstrators are humans. The media is compiled of humans.

Some made the worst choices and should pay the consequences. Some are victims of these choices and are forced to live with this uninvited pain. Some watched these events from far away and took home the wrong lesson. Some spoke of these events in not the best way, stirring up more anger. Every one of these involved was human.

I do not support bad behavior. But, I do support and keep hope for humankind.

May something good come out of this week's ashes and may this nation be healed and changed.

Tales of a Recovering Gossip

There's something about gossip that certainly has its appeal.

It easily veils itself as bonding. It's the quickest topic to jump to when grasping for small talk. Like junk food or recreation drugs, it can even feel euphoric for a fleeting moment. But, like every fleeting moment, a crash landing is likely around the corner.

I've been learning lessons about gossip since I was young enough to cup my hand over my mouth and giggle. Yet still, it seems, I will never quite fully learn.

In ways, it could be classified as an addiction. Newly recovering alcoholics can go longer without a drink than it takes for me to turn away from a "I have to tell you what so-and-so said!" Or, me spouting off a "Grrr... so-and-so is driving me nuts!" followed by bottled up grievances that have bitterly aged over time.

I will get a guilty conscience later that day. Have an extra long prayer session at bedtime to soothe the shame away. But, it seems the only one real cure that leads me back to cold turkey status is overhearing something about myself.

OHHHHH... the sudden evils of gossip!

If social media has taught me anything, this is the time to take to your newsfeed and passive-aggressively start posting memes and quotes along the lines of, "If people are trying to bring you down, it only means you're above them." And about how, "If some talks behind your back, there's probably a reason they're behind you." (Quotes on gossip are very directional. Someone's always up, down, behind, below. They're like the grown-up version of the Hokey Pokey.)

Gossip will always be a vice. It will also always be a bad idea. 

To equip yourself, here are some tips I've learned to follow while in the recovery stage:

1. One-on-one resolution is always the best, when possible. I've known people who are into the group attack. They need that audience as witness and feel the need to have an army handy as backup. This is a junior high school mentality that shouldn't even exist in the adult world. If you've got beef, pull the person/people aside that are specifically involved in the issue and hash it out behind closed doors. I've been surprised at the immediate resolution this can bring. Someone you think is in hate with you, can suddenly dissolve at the sign of human face-to-face contact and honesty.
2. Be careful who you vent to. If resolution is rejected or just plain out of the question, choose your confidantes wisely. Mutual parties are usually a bad idea. Anyone who crosses paths regularly with the person you need to vent about, has way too many opportunities to spill the beans (accidentally or not.) If you're having issue with a family member, try discussing it with a non-related outside source. Work troubles? Take these to a spouse, relative or non-office mate. Troublesome neighbor, take it off the street. And, social media should never be the answer.
3. Walls talk. I've learned to pretend that there is no wall or door that is 100% soundproof. Because, really? Unless you're telling tea in a bank vault. I have an overactive imagination, so the biggest cure for me when temptation strikes, is to pretend I'm on a reality show. If you put your mindset in a Truman Show-like environment, where everybody is hearing and seeing everything you say and do, you're alot less likely to get yourself into trouble with a hungry audience. For fun, you can also spin around from time to time while reciting your own Real Housewives intro.
4. Don't over-analyze. Most things that upset me are one sentence long. By the end of a restless night I can turn that one sentence into an epic novel. Be mindful about what you're really angry about. Did someone really wrong you? Or, were they just in a cranky mood that day and you spent alot of time trying to turn it into a personal offense. Not every reaction by others is a blanket statement of their heartfelt opinion of you. Find a hobby. Go to the movies. Distract yourself when your thoughts want to run amok. Don't let an idle mind run away with you. It's really a kidnapper and will lock you in the trunk!
5. Don't over-explain things. If you're apologizing to someone, stick to the point. If you're seeking an apology, for the love of all things holy... please stick to the point. If someone is angry with you and not in the mood for forgiveness, the last thing you want to do is give them extra ammunition. Plus, it's simply exhausting.
6. Don't keep a storehouse. Every time someone ticks me off, my memory will get a sudden flood of all the wrongs they have wronged me with. "If they bring this up, I'm going to remind them of this, that, and the other thing I meant to mention last August!" Give yourself a timeline for resolution. If you miss that deadline, your punishment is to let it go. If you've already forgiven someone for something, you're not allowed to bring it up again. If they don't follow the same rules as you, that's not for you to worry about. You're not responsible for their conscience. Take care of your own inner peace.
7. Choose a secret role model. There have been certain people in my life that everybody loves. They're fun to be around, always kind-hearted and never have a bad thing to say about anyone. Their lives aren't perfect, but they seem to have some secret navigational tool that I wish I was born with. What Would Jesus Do? is a nice movement. But, sometimes, placing yourselves in the shoes of a flawed human being whose life you've actually witnessed in action is a tangible practice in "How would [friend] react to this?"
8. Don't beat yourself up. We've all been wrong. We've all made dumb choices and said stupidly ridiculous and damaging things. This is not your permanent lot in life. You just had a bad day. People love you. Your real friends will say, "It's over now. You're a good person. You just had a bad moment." and will continue to love you for the person that you are. Move forward after reparations have been made (or attempted) and don't let gossip be your legacy. Get your Day One chip and consider yourself back on the road to recovery. Haters may be hating. But, haters fade away. True friendships are where you should be investing your best thoughts and time.

Normal vs Amazing

I have always been aware that I am not normal.

I never really understood what "normal" was supposed to mean anyhow. All I knew was that if it were a shoe, it certainly wouldn't fit.

I never cared to be this "normal", either. Whatever normal was. Even as a child I was aware that I had fresh ideas, a different perspective and an offbeat take on life that others always seemed to find either fascinating or refreshing. So, why change?

It wasn't until I was fully grown that fellow humans started asking the whys. And, not the "why"s of curious interest, but judgementally in tone.

I was taught manners very early in life. Some people may not have been exposed to that luxury. And, most times women can be the worst threat to their own kind in this area.

As today's Maya quote suggests, how can we see amazing if we're always searching for normal? Let's not put that kind of pressure on one another.

As women, we should try our best not to question or judge each others':

• Life Choices. We didn't all go straight to college after high school. We didn't all find our soul mates in our first half of life. We weren't all meant to be mothers. We're not all striving to have millions in the bank. We're not all meant to live in the same town, in the same type of home, with the same chevron curtains hanging in the front window. We are not Stepfords. Neither should we care to be. Not every life step is a choice, either. It's just the way one's path has wound. Never question why someone's where they're at. They've probably never even questioned that themselves. They just are.
• Feelings. Never ever negate someone's natural feelings. If an emotion crops up in any human, it's a matter of cause and effect. If you caused a bad reaction in someone, don't chastise or belittle them for it. Use it as a teaching moment in how to interact with this individual in the future. Tears are not a sin. They're true feelings leaking out of one's body. You can't scold human plumbing.
• Pasts. Since no one can change the past, why would you even question somebody's?
• Style. Things I've actually been asked in life: "What made you put that outfit together?", "What makes you think those two colors match?", "Why'd you cut your hair?!", "What's with those shoes?", "Why are your pants cuffed?", "Why are you wearing a dress? Who are you trying to look good for?" It's also been suggested that my choices in hair color have been less than stellar. But, know this. I've been dressing myself for several decades now. Anything that's on my head, face or body is there because I put it there. If you have some sort of set of fashion rules, that's great! Feel free to use them when dressing yourself.
• Thought-Paths. "Why on earth would you do that? What were you thinking?" Maybe, I wasn't. Isn't it glorious? 

We're all on our own paths in life. When someone crosses yours, it wasn't to be set up to be open for judgement.

If they choose to share a part of their story with you, it's because they're inviting you to peek at their journey. They're not necessarily prying for advice or asking your opinion on whether you find them to be the acceptable degree of "normal" or not. They're simply letting you get to know them.

There is no normal. No one could be it if they tried.

We're all wired differently so that we can enjoy the newness of one another. Never try to short-circuit another's wiring with your opinions or inquisitions.

If you cross paths with someone who is "different" and you make the decision that this brand of different doesn't interest you, quietly move on and let their "amazing" happen without you. If it is a type of "different" that peaks your interest, skip the "why" and trying substituting with a "tell me more."

The next time someone approaches me with a discriminatory "why", I think I'll just answer, "Because that's where life took me" and then quietly step out of their path.

[For a humorous take on "normal" from a child's standpoint, click here.]

Attitude Adjustment

I have a bad attitude.

I'm stubborn. I'm short-tempered (when I'm not being passive-aggressive, that is.) I've been cursed with a memory retention that can vividly recount every insult ever hurled at me, but often can't remind me of why I walked into a room.

I overshare inappropriate stories. I listen to gossip. I cuss too much for good taste. I make poor choices. I have trouble keeping secrets and I'm much too quick to speak.

I'll often go for a laugh over kindness. I have a tendency to feel sorry for myself. I'm terribly moody and there are days when even I don't enjoy my own company.

You want to know why?!

I'll say I'm stubborn because I'm German. I'm hot-tempered because I'm Irish. And, when I'm passive-aggressive, it's all my Swedish heritage to blame.

My memory is the fault of all the mean people in the world. I'm inappropriate because I'm too honest. I can't keep secrets because I just don't remember who told me what and I hear gossip because I haven't learned to walk away quickly enough. 

I cuss because it feels good to, dammit! I make poor choices because life's not been fair to me and I'm quick to speak because no one's really listening anyway. 

I'll slay you for a laugh, because I need the attention. I feel sorry for myself because I'm "unloved". I'm moody because I'm a woman, duh. And, I don't enjoy my own company every once in while because God is in my heart and He is constantly reminding me that none of this is true and I just need to get over it!

So how does one simply get over it?

Is it our fault that life isn't fair? That we're forced to deal with unpleasant people? That we really are hard-wired a certain way?

Are we in control of how the universe acts? Of the judgment of the earth? Of the way we were made?

No. These are simply the challenges presented us. Ones that we have the daily opportunity of passing or failing with our second-to-second decisions of choosing from right or wrong.

Like Ms. Maya reminds us in our quote for the day, there are going to be things in this life we can't change. Not one of us was promised ultimate dominion over all things that be. The only choice we have in these circumstances is to change ourselves. To learn to deal. To improve our own outlooks and actions.

I'm learning that even acclaimed women of wisdom struggle with the same bad attitude that I'm now willing to confess to.

Author Luci Swindoll once confessed in a journal entry that she made public, "Today I decided I'm really cranky. Without meaning to or wanting to, I'm becoming a cranky, irritable old woman. I hate that and am committed to working on it. It's driving me crazy and is maddening to everybody else. Lord, help me!" And in other writing, "I am a very human being. Each of us carries within us falsehood, self-centeredness, and the capacity to do unbelievably unkind things to others."

Patsy Clairmont confides, "I realize how tart I become when inconvenienced. It doesn't take much to topple me. I want to believe that, if called upon to be a heroine, I would rise to the occasion. But experience has proven me feeble."

We're not alone in our crankiness and our moody dispositions are in good company. What separates the wheat from the chaff is what one chooses to do with those moods and unfair circumstances we've been forced to deal with. Make them our excuses or learn to forge a path around them.

Oprah Winfrey once said, "I don't think of myself as a poor deprived ghetto girl who made good. I think of myself as somebody who from an early age knew I was responsible for myself, and I had to make good."

Patsy Clairmont says she's learned that "Years of childish actions passed before I realized how selfish and destructive my moody behavior was. It wasn't easy to break my old response patterns, but it was liberating. I gradually learned not to give into swings in my emotions but to give up my need to be in control." She also realized that "Owning my edginess instead of justifying reactive behavior has helped to improve my disposition."

I love that! It's honest to admit you were made edgy. But, it can't be used as excuse for poor behavior. Yes, I'm edgy, and I'm sorry. I'm working with it as best I can and I know I can do better.

This week's excuse was spelled P.M.S. Hear me ladies?! That week out of every month where it's just that much harder to act human. (Not to mention, ladylike.) When its strength has me too weak to be kindhearted, sometimes I find that just plain hibernating can be the best way to keep things in check. Controlling my actions by inaction, if you will.

My more reliable defense is a biblical one. I know not all my readers share the same faith as I, but for me it's a "don't knock it 'til you've tried it" remedy that has never failed me.

Spilling the beans to the One who wants to listen. That's right, the man upstairs. That God fellow. 

Our friends don't always want to hear us vent. They're human. They're moody too. After awhile they will roll their eyes at us and try their best to scooch away from our drama.

God, meanwhile, has begged to hear from us. (Psalm 34:17-18) David of Old Testament fame sang, "Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us." (Psalm 62:8b)

Psalm 44:21 tells us He already knows the secrets of our hearts. No human may realize that harsh word heard earlier today really hit a nerve with you. But, He's already looking there, waiting for you to come talk it out. Without the eye-rolling and exasperation that our human cohorts might dole out on us.

I have an odd fear of inconveniencing others. Of being a pest and not always having a trust-worthy audience to vent to. Christian author Marilyn Merberg writes, "Isn't it a comfort to know that God's love is never miserly, never punishing of our secret, doubt-plagued thoughts? He will never pelt us with anger. He will never leave us, even when we whine and throw tantrums in our frustrations over what we don't like or don't understand. After all, he knows that we're just candy-tossing toddlers at heart."

I've never approached God with and a hurt or a heartache and came out of that conversation untouched. I've never heard a holy eye-roll thundering from Heaven or felt like I've screwed up too much to be forgiven once again. Ezekiel 36:26 promises, "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh." 

I've always left these conversations (yes, prayers) refreshed, renewed and often forgetting what had me in a tizzy to begin with. That's a spritual touch of peace and comfort that you can't pay for or find any place else.

But, what about the haters?  They're ruining our lives!

Since it's popular opinion that haters are simply gonna hate, here's one more area we need to relinquish false control over. It's hard, because hours after encountering a hater, I'm going to dream up at least a dozen awesome comebacks to hurl their way next meeting.

But, using my biblical defenses has always proven more effective. Psalm 37 1-3a begs us, "Do not fret evildoers, be not envious toward wrongdoers. For they will wither quickly like the grass... Trust in the Lord and do good." 

The book of Proverbs also has alot of unkind things to say about the haters and how they will be handled by Almighty. Let's just say, our Maker has the haters on lock and we can unload that quiver of insults we've stored up in defense.

Do not fear them, God has them handled. We don't have to be the bad guy in return. Do not be jealous of them, they've got nothing we need and usually even have their own excuse for acting that way. Turn away, "do good". They may make us angry, but it's not our job to get even. Just let God do his thing.

No more excuses!

Since the haters are being handled and I don't get to blame them for my bad attitude I'm going to throw away all my other excuses too.

My German trait will be my family nose. My fair skin is now my Irish heritage and my blue eyes came direct from Sweden with nothing else attached.

My memory has way more good than bad in it, if I really take the time to sort things out. The secrets and gossip come my way because I'm a good listener and I can learn to be more responsible with that duty.

I can be slower to speak by reactivating my filter and thinking through my responses before blurting them out. People are listening. Don't be fooled that there aren't ears everywhere. (I wouldn't want to be mistaken for a hater now, would I?) And, I've always felt that insult humor is the lowest form of comedy and the most glaring sign of bullying, so I don't need to reciprocate it when its thrown my way. 

I overshare as a means or humanizing myself and bonding with others. It's good intentioned and highly effective, really. But, I could certainly slow down my mosey on the ultimate truthfulness.

There are more womanly traits than just moodiness. Get it under control or just hide when it needs to pass. I don't need to contribute to giving an entire gender a bad name.

And, in most cases I really do enjoy my own company. More than other peoples' even at times. I'm a friggin' barrel of monkeys when I've got that attitude in check. And, I'm sure you are too!

This is my effort. I'm really going to try (again.) 

If you catch me failing, please feel free to (gently) kick me in the ass. Just be sure to call it my "keister" while doing so, to be a little bit less offensive.

Phenomenally Challenged

Phenomenal Woman, by Maya Angelou

"Pretty women wonder where my secret lies. I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size.

But, when I start to tell them, they think I'm telling lies.

I say, it's in the reach of my arms, the span of my hips,

The stride of my step, the curl of my lips.

I am woman. Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, that's me.

I walk into a room, just as cool as you please.

And, to a man, the fellows stand or fall down on their knees.

Then they swarm around me, a hive of honey bees.

I say, it's the fire in my eyes, and the flash of my teeth,

The swing in my waist, and the joy in my feet.

I am woman. Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, that's me.

Men themselves have wondered, what they see in me.

They try so much, but they can't touch, my inner mystery.

When I try to show them, they say they still can't see.

I say, it's in the arch of my back, the sun of my smile,

The ride of my breasts, the grace of my style.

I am woman. Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, that's me.

Now you understand, just why my head's not bowed

I don't shout or jump about, or have to talk real loud.

When you see me passing, it ought to make you proud.

I say, it's the click in my heels, the bend of my hair,

The palm of my hand, the need for my care.

'Cause I'm a woman. Phenomenally. 

Phenomenal woman, that's me."

Educators ought to teach a class in phenomenalism to every teen aged group of young women. It would make a world of difference to humankind.

I grew up thinking I was quite phenomenally challenge. Partly because I survived these awkward teenage years:

 

And, partly because, even as an eventually filled-out grown woman who had become a contact lens owner and learned her way around a pair of tweezers, I would still be known to trip over my toes, legs and tongue a little too often for comfort's sake.

If a Maya Angelou class were a prerequisite in my high school, I may have had a different focus in life back then, besides dreaming of ways to have my butt fat injected into my breasts.

So much of our adolescence is spent worrying about the wrong things. How to get attention, how to look a certain way, where to learn what's cool and who to hang out with to get you there. And, even those who'd mastered those things, were still usually caught up in a case of "Whoa is me".

Although my teenage years came to fruition with me looking as seen in the examples above, there was alot of good not noticed until looking back in retrospect. 

I didn't belong to any particular clique, per say. I was friendly to all and didn't really have any enemies. I never had a lack of friends. No one seemed repelled by my paleness or the unusual chisel of my nose. I made people laugh and comfortable enough to confide in. And, my second kiss was a clumsy surprise by a sweet teenage boy who was simply excited to be in my presence. (Let's just not talk about the first one right now... *shudder*)

All of these ingredients add up to what should have been sublimely happy high school years, but I also suffered from that lack of confidence and a pretty major case of "Whoa is Me".

Whoa is me? Whoa should be no one.

I say "Whoa" to the teenage girl I saw shopping this week. Not one ounce of cellulite, perfect hair almost down to her waist and half of her ass cheeks hanging out of her cut-off shorts. Whoa to her self esteem, for that being her only way to get noticed. Whoa to her talents for being undiscovered and overlooked. And, whoa to her damn daddy for letting her leave the house like that!

Why don't young girls understand we are all the phenomenal woman described in Ms. Angelou's most famous poem?

We all have arms and hips and a curl to our lips. No matter the shape or size, we all have breasts, a waist and a potential smile on our face. It was never perfection that made a woman. It was the God-given female parts that are not just physical, but also radiate from the heart and soul. 

This can even be recognized as a gangly twelve-year old on her first babysitting job. Why does that little toddler cling to her leg, grasp on to her shoulders; be comforted in her voice, her heartbeat and the gentle rock in her step? It's the first signs of womanhood radiating from one's spirit and doing its job. This womanhood will always be recognized in her for the rest of her life, no matter what she ends up looking like and what pant size she may become.

Never does Maya mention the phenomenal woman as being known for the smoothness of her thighs or the flatness of her belly. Never the shortness of her hem or the looseness of her morals. What brought her men to their knees and made them swarm like honey bees was her just being there, being real and being the woman she was meant to be.

Yes, the last time I sat it a man's lap, he may have said "Oof!" But, he didn't push me away to the floor. I was a woman and my presence was welcome, even if it was slightly uncomfortable in the physical sense. Good people tend to accept the companionship and goodness of others. They're not constantly focusing on the lines on your face, the folds of your waist or the lack of symmetry in your physical make-up.

Today's challenge will be to teach the young girls in your life their own phenomenalism.

Raise them with the strength to say "no" and the guts to say "yes". Raise them with confidence in things other than the shape and looks of their waist, eyes, teeth and thighs. Point out to them their talents, they won't always have confidence to recognize these on their own. Take notice of their interests and hobbies, even if they seem unusual or lame. Set an example of not worrying about what others think and needing superficial attention. Be an example of nurturing. Applaud their kindness, laugh at their humor and encourage their unique paths in life. Help them find strength in their independence, but the humility to accept the love of others. Bless them with hugs, be patient through their moody days and never give up on your part of helping create another phenomenal woman in this world.