I have a bad attitude.
I'm stubborn. I'm short-tempered (when I'm not being passive-aggressive, that is.) I've been cursed with a memory retention that can vividly recount every insult ever hurled at me, but often can't remind me of why I walked into a room.
I overshare inappropriate stories. I listen to gossip. I cuss too much for good taste. I make poor choices. I have trouble keeping secrets and I'm much too quick to speak.
I'll often go for a laugh over kindness. I have a tendency to feel sorry for myself. I'm terribly moody and there are days when even I don't enjoy my own company.
You want to know why?!
I'll say I'm stubborn because I'm German. I'm hot-tempered because I'm Irish. And, when I'm passive-aggressive, it's all my Swedish heritage to blame.
My memory is the fault of all the mean people in the world. I'm inappropriate because I'm too honest. I can't keep secrets because I just don't remember who told me what and I hear gossip because I haven't learned to walk away quickly enough.
I cuss because it feels good to, dammit! I make poor choices because life's not been fair to me and I'm quick to speak because no one's really listening anyway.
I'll slay you for a laugh, because I need the attention. I feel sorry for myself because I'm "unloved". I'm moody because I'm a woman, duh. And, I don't enjoy my own company every once in while because God is in my heart and He is constantly reminding me that none of this is true and I just need to get over it!
So how does one simply get over it?
Is it our fault that life isn't fair? That we're forced to deal with unpleasant people? That we really are hard-wired a certain way?
Are we in control of how the universe acts? Of the judgment of the earth? Of the way we were made?
No. These are simply the challenges presented us. Ones that we have the daily opportunity of passing or failing with our second-to-second decisions of choosing from right or wrong.
Like Ms. Maya reminds us in our quote for the day, there are going to be things in this life we can't change. Not one of us was promised ultimate dominion over all things that be. The only choice we have in these circumstances is to change ourselves. To learn to deal. To improve our own outlooks and actions.
I'm learning that even acclaimed women of wisdom struggle with the same bad attitude that I'm now willing to confess to.
Author Luci Swindoll once confessed in a journal entry that she made public, "Today I decided I'm really cranky. Without meaning to or wanting to, I'm becoming a cranky, irritable old woman. I hate that and am committed to working on it. It's driving me crazy and is maddening to everybody else. Lord, help me!" And in other writing, "I am a very human being. Each of us carries within us falsehood, self-centeredness, and the capacity to do unbelievably unkind things to others."
Patsy Clairmont confides, "I realize how tart I become when inconvenienced. It doesn't take much to topple me. I want to believe that, if called upon to be a heroine, I would rise to the occasion. But experience has proven me feeble."
We're not alone in our crankiness and our moody dispositions are in good company. What separates the wheat from the chaff is what one chooses to do with those moods and unfair circumstances we've been forced to deal with. Make them our excuses or learn to forge a path around them.
Oprah Winfrey once said, "I don't think of myself as a poor deprived ghetto girl who made good. I think of myself as somebody who from an early age knew I was responsible for myself, and I had to make good."
Patsy Clairmont says she's learned that "Years of childish actions passed before I realized how selfish and destructive my moody behavior was. It wasn't easy to break my old response patterns, but it was liberating. I gradually learned not to give into swings in my emotions but to give up my need to be in control." She also realized that "Owning my edginess instead of justifying reactive behavior has helped to improve my disposition."
I love that! It's honest to admit you were made edgy. But, it can't be used as excuse for poor behavior. Yes, I'm edgy, and I'm sorry. I'm working with it as best I can and I know I can do better.
This week's excuse was spelled P.M.S. Hear me ladies?! That week out of every month where it's just that much harder to act human. (Not to mention, ladylike.) When its strength has me too weak to be kindhearted, sometimes I find that just plain hibernating can be the best way to keep things in check. Controlling my actions by inaction, if you will.
My more reliable defense is a biblical one. I know not all my readers share the same faith as I, but for me it's a "don't knock it 'til you've tried it" remedy that has never failed me.
Spilling the beans to the One who wants to listen. That's right, the man upstairs. That God fellow.
Our friends don't always want to hear us vent. They're human. They're moody too. After awhile they will roll their eyes at us and try their best to scooch away from our drama.
God, meanwhile, has begged to hear from us. (Psalm 34:17-18) David of Old Testament fame sang, "Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us." (Psalm 62:8b)
Psalm 44:21 tells us He already knows the secrets of our hearts. No human may realize that harsh word heard earlier today really hit a nerve with you. But, He's already looking there, waiting for you to come talk it out. Without the eye-rolling and exasperation that our human cohorts might dole out on us.
I have an odd fear of inconveniencing others. Of being a pest and not always having a trust-worthy audience to vent to. Christian author Marilyn Merberg writes, "Isn't it a comfort to know that God's love is never miserly, never punishing of our secret, doubt-plagued thoughts? He will never pelt us with anger. He will never leave us, even when we whine and throw tantrums in our frustrations over what we don't like or don't understand. After all, he knows that we're just candy-tossing toddlers at heart."
I've never approached God with and a hurt or a heartache and came out of that conversation untouched. I've never heard a holy eye-roll thundering from Heaven or felt like I've screwed up too much to be forgiven once again. Ezekiel 36:26 promises, "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh."
I've always left these conversations (yes, prayers) refreshed, renewed and often forgetting what had me in a tizzy to begin with. That's a spritual touch of peace and comfort that you can't pay for or find any place else.
But, what about the haters? They're ruining our lives!
Since it's popular opinion that haters are simply gonna hate, here's one more area we need to relinquish false control over. It's hard, because hours after encountering a hater, I'm going to dream up at least a dozen awesome comebacks to hurl their way next meeting.
But, using my biblical defenses has always proven more effective. Psalm 37 1-3a begs us, "Do not fret evildoers, be not envious toward wrongdoers. For they will wither quickly like the grass... Trust in the Lord and do good."
The book of Proverbs also has alot of unkind things to say about the haters and how they will be handled by Almighty. Let's just say, our Maker has the haters on lock and we can unload that quiver of insults we've stored up in defense.
Do not fear them, God has them handled. We don't have to be the bad guy in return. Do not be jealous of them, they've got nothing we need and usually even have their own excuse for acting that way. Turn away, "do good". They may make us angry, but it's not our job to get even. Just let God do his thing.
No more excuses!
Since the haters are being handled and I don't get to blame them for my bad attitude I'm going to throw away all my other excuses too.
My German trait will be my family nose. My fair skin is now my Irish heritage and my blue eyes came direct from Sweden with nothing else attached.
My memory has way more good than bad in it, if I really take the time to sort things out. The secrets and gossip come my way because I'm a good listener and I can learn to be more responsible with that duty.
I can be slower to speak by reactivating my filter and thinking through my responses before blurting them out. People are listening. Don't be fooled that there aren't ears everywhere. (I wouldn't want to be mistaken for a hater now, would I?) And, I've always felt that insult humor is the lowest form of comedy and the most glaring sign of bullying, so I don't need to reciprocate it when its thrown my way.
I overshare as a means or humanizing myself and bonding with others. It's good intentioned and highly effective, really. But, I could certainly slow down my mosey on the ultimate truthfulness.
There are more womanly traits than just moodiness. Get it under control or just hide when it needs to pass. I don't need to contribute to giving an entire gender a bad name.
And, in most cases I really do enjoy my own company. More than other peoples' even at times. I'm a friggin' barrel of monkeys when I've got that attitude in check. And, I'm sure you are too!
This is my effort. I'm really going to try (again.)
If you catch me failing, please feel free to (gently) kick me in the ass. Just be sure to call it my "keister" while doing so, to be a little bit less offensive.
