Tales of a Recovering Gossip

There's something about gossip that certainly has its appeal.

It easily veils itself as bonding. It's the quickest topic to jump to when grasping for small talk. Like junk food or recreation drugs, it can even feel euphoric for a fleeting moment. But, like every fleeting moment, a crash landing is likely around the corner.

I've been learning lessons about gossip since I was young enough to cup my hand over my mouth and giggle. Yet still, it seems, I will never quite fully learn.

In ways, it could be classified as an addiction. Newly recovering alcoholics can go longer without a drink than it takes for me to turn away from a "I have to tell you what so-and-so said!" Or, me spouting off a "Grrr... so-and-so is driving me nuts!" followed by bottled up grievances that have bitterly aged over time.

I will get a guilty conscience later that day. Have an extra long prayer session at bedtime to soothe the shame away. But, it seems the only one real cure that leads me back to cold turkey status is overhearing something about myself.

OHHHHH... the sudden evils of gossip!

If social media has taught me anything, this is the time to take to your newsfeed and passive-aggressively start posting memes and quotes along the lines of, "If people are trying to bring you down, it only means you're above them." And about how, "If some talks behind your back, there's probably a reason they're behind you." (Quotes on gossip are very directional. Someone's always up, down, behind, below. They're like the grown-up version of the Hokey Pokey.)

Gossip will always be a vice. It will also always be a bad idea. 

To equip yourself, here are some tips I've learned to follow while in the recovery stage:

1. One-on-one resolution is always the best, when possible. I've known people who are into the group attack. They need that audience as witness and feel the need to have an army handy as backup. This is a junior high school mentality that shouldn't even exist in the adult world. If you've got beef, pull the person/people aside that are specifically involved in the issue and hash it out behind closed doors. I've been surprised at the immediate resolution this can bring. Someone you think is in hate with you, can suddenly dissolve at the sign of human face-to-face contact and honesty.
2. Be careful who you vent to. If resolution is rejected or just plain out of the question, choose your confidantes wisely. Mutual parties are usually a bad idea. Anyone who crosses paths regularly with the person you need to vent about, has way too many opportunities to spill the beans (accidentally or not.) If you're having issue with a family member, try discussing it with a non-related outside source. Work troubles? Take these to a spouse, relative or non-office mate. Troublesome neighbor, take it off the street. And, social media should never be the answer.
3. Walls talk. I've learned to pretend that there is no wall or door that is 100% soundproof. Because, really? Unless you're telling tea in a bank vault. I have an overactive imagination, so the biggest cure for me when temptation strikes, is to pretend I'm on a reality show. If you put your mindset in a Truman Show-like environment, where everybody is hearing and seeing everything you say and do, you're alot less likely to get yourself into trouble with a hungry audience. For fun, you can also spin around from time to time while reciting your own Real Housewives intro.
4. Don't over-analyze. Most things that upset me are one sentence long. By the end of a restless night I can turn that one sentence into an epic novel. Be mindful about what you're really angry about. Did someone really wrong you? Or, were they just in a cranky mood that day and you spent alot of time trying to turn it into a personal offense. Not every reaction by others is a blanket statement of their heartfelt opinion of you. Find a hobby. Go to the movies. Distract yourself when your thoughts want to run amok. Don't let an idle mind run away with you. It's really a kidnapper and will lock you in the trunk!
5. Don't over-explain things. If you're apologizing to someone, stick to the point. If you're seeking an apology, for the love of all things holy... please stick to the point. If someone is angry with you and not in the mood for forgiveness, the last thing you want to do is give them extra ammunition. Plus, it's simply exhausting.
6. Don't keep a storehouse. Every time someone ticks me off, my memory will get a sudden flood of all the wrongs they have wronged me with. "If they bring this up, I'm going to remind them of this, that, and the other thing I meant to mention last August!" Give yourself a timeline for resolution. If you miss that deadline, your punishment is to let it go. If you've already forgiven someone for something, you're not allowed to bring it up again. If they don't follow the same rules as you, that's not for you to worry about. You're not responsible for their conscience. Take care of your own inner peace.
7. Choose a secret role model. There have been certain people in my life that everybody loves. They're fun to be around, always kind-hearted and never have a bad thing to say about anyone. Their lives aren't perfect, but they seem to have some secret navigational tool that I wish I was born with. What Would Jesus Do? is a nice movement. But, sometimes, placing yourselves in the shoes of a flawed human being whose life you've actually witnessed in action is a tangible practice in "How would [friend] react to this?"
8. Don't beat yourself up. We've all been wrong. We've all made dumb choices and said stupidly ridiculous and damaging things. This is not your permanent lot in life. You just had a bad day. People love you. Your real friends will say, "It's over now. You're a good person. You just had a bad moment." and will continue to love you for the person that you are. Move forward after reparations have been made (or attempted) and don't let gossip be your legacy. Get your Day One chip and consider yourself back on the road to recovery. Haters may be hating. But, haters fade away. True friendships are where you should be investing your best thoughts and time.

Normal vs Amazing

I have always been aware that I am not normal.

I never really understood what "normal" was supposed to mean anyhow. All I knew was that if it were a shoe, it certainly wouldn't fit.

I never cared to be this "normal", either. Whatever normal was. Even as a child I was aware that I had fresh ideas, a different perspective and an offbeat take on life that others always seemed to find either fascinating or refreshing. So, why change?

It wasn't until I was fully grown that fellow humans started asking the whys. And, not the "why"s of curious interest, but judgementally in tone.

I was taught manners very early in life. Some people may not have been exposed to that luxury. And, most times women can be the worst threat to their own kind in this area.

As today's Maya quote suggests, how can we see amazing if we're always searching for normal? Let's not put that kind of pressure on one another.

As women, we should try our best not to question or judge each others':

• Life Choices. We didn't all go straight to college after high school. We didn't all find our soul mates in our first half of life. We weren't all meant to be mothers. We're not all striving to have millions in the bank. We're not all meant to live in the same town, in the same type of home, with the same chevron curtains hanging in the front window. We are not Stepfords. Neither should we care to be. Not every life step is a choice, either. It's just the way one's path has wound. Never question why someone's where they're at. They've probably never even questioned that themselves. They just are.
• Feelings. Never ever negate someone's natural feelings. If an emotion crops up in any human, it's a matter of cause and effect. If you caused a bad reaction in someone, don't chastise or belittle them for it. Use it as a teaching moment in how to interact with this individual in the future. Tears are not a sin. They're true feelings leaking out of one's body. You can't scold human plumbing.
• Pasts. Since no one can change the past, why would you even question somebody's?
• Style. Things I've actually been asked in life: "What made you put that outfit together?", "What makes you think those two colors match?", "Why'd you cut your hair?!", "What's with those shoes?", "Why are your pants cuffed?", "Why are you wearing a dress? Who are you trying to look good for?" It's also been suggested that my choices in hair color have been less than stellar. But, know this. I've been dressing myself for several decades now. Anything that's on my head, face or body is there because I put it there. If you have some sort of set of fashion rules, that's great! Feel free to use them when dressing yourself.
• Thought-Paths. "Why on earth would you do that? What were you thinking?" Maybe, I wasn't. Isn't it glorious? 

We're all on our own paths in life. When someone crosses yours, it wasn't to be set up to be open for judgement.

If they choose to share a part of their story with you, it's because they're inviting you to peek at their journey. They're not necessarily prying for advice or asking your opinion on whether you find them to be the acceptable degree of "normal" or not. They're simply letting you get to know them.

There is no normal. No one could be it if they tried.

We're all wired differently so that we can enjoy the newness of one another. Never try to short-circuit another's wiring with your opinions or inquisitions.

If you cross paths with someone who is "different" and you make the decision that this brand of different doesn't interest you, quietly move on and let their "amazing" happen without you. If it is a type of "different" that peaks your interest, skip the "why" and trying substituting with a "tell me more."

The next time someone approaches me with a discriminatory "why", I think I'll just answer, "Because that's where life took me" and then quietly step out of their path.

[For a humorous take on "normal" from a child's standpoint, click here.]