There's something about gossip that certainly has its appeal.
It easily veils itself as bonding. It's the quickest topic to jump to when grasping for small talk. Like junk food or recreation drugs, it can even feel euphoric for a fleeting moment. But, like every fleeting moment, a crash landing is likely around the corner.
I've been learning lessons about gossip since I was young enough to cup my hand over my mouth and giggle. Yet still, it seems, I will never quite fully learn.
In ways, it could be classified as an addiction. Newly recovering alcoholics can go longer without a drink than it takes for me to turn away from a "I have to tell you what so-and-so said!" Or, me spouting off a "Grrr... so-and-so is driving me nuts!" followed by bottled up grievances that have bitterly aged over time.
I will get a guilty conscience later that day. Have an extra long prayer session at bedtime to soothe the shame away. But, it seems the only one real cure that leads me back to cold turkey status is overhearing something about myself.
OHHHHH... the sudden evils of gossip!
If social media has taught me anything, this is the time to take to your newsfeed and passive-aggressively start posting memes and quotes along the lines of, "If people are trying to bring you down, it only means you're above them." And about how, "If some talks behind your back, there's probably a reason they're behind you." (Quotes on gossip are very directional. Someone's always up, down, behind, below. They're like the grown-up version of the Hokey Pokey.)
Gossip will always be a vice. It will also always be a bad idea.
To equip yourself, here are some tips I've learned to follow while in the recovery stage:
- One-on-one resolution is always the best, when possible. I've known people who are into the group attack. They need that audience as witness and feel the need to have an army handy as backup. This is a junior high school mentality that shouldn't even exist in the adult world. If you've got beef, pull the person/people aside that are specifically involved in the issue and hash it out behind closed doors. I've been surprised at the immediate resolution this can bring. Someone you think is in hate with you, can suddenly dissolve at the sign of human face-to-face contact and honesty.
- Be careful who you vent to. If resolution is rejected or just plain out of the question, choose your confidantes wisely. Mutual parties are usually a bad idea. Anyone who crosses paths regularly with the person you need to vent about, has way too many opportunities to spill the beans (accidentally or not.) If you're having issue with a family member, try discussing it with a non-related outside source. Work troubles? Take these to a spouse, relative or non-office mate. Troublesome neighbor, take it off the street. And, social media should never be the answer.
- Walls talk. I've learned to pretend that there is no wall or door that is 100% soundproof. Because, really? Unless you're telling tea in a bank vault. I have an overactive imagination, so the biggest cure for me when temptation strikes, is to pretend I'm on a reality show. If you put your mindset in a Truman Show-like environment, where everybody is hearing and seeing everything you say and do, you're alot less likely to get yourself into trouble with a hungry audience. For fun, you can also spin around from time to time while reciting your own Real Housewives intro.
- Don't over-analyze. Most things that upset me are one sentence long. By the end of a restless night I can turn that one sentence into an epic novel. Be mindful about what you're really angry about. Did someone really wrong you? Or, were they just in a cranky mood that day and you spent alot of time trying to turn it into a personal offense. Not every reaction by others is a blanket statement of their heartfelt opinion of you. Find a hobby. Go to the movies. Distract yourself when your thoughts want to run amok. Don't let an idle mind run away with you. It's really a kidnapper and will lock you in the trunk!
- Don't over-explain things. If you're apologizing to someone, stick to the point. If you're seeking an apology, for the love of all things holy... please stick to the point. If someone is angry with you and not in the mood for forgiveness, the last thing you want to do is give them extra ammunition. Plus, it's simply exhausting.
- Don't keep a storehouse. Every time someone ticks me off, my memory will get a sudden flood of all the wrongs they have wronged me with. "If they bring this up, I'm going to remind them of this, that, and the other thing I meant to mention last August!" Give yourself a timeline for resolution. If you miss that deadline, your punishment is to let it go. If you've already forgiven someone for something, you're not allowed to bring it up again. If they don't follow the same rules as you, that's not for you to worry about. You're not responsible for their conscience. Take care of your own inner peace.
- Choose a secret role model. There have been certain people in my life that everybody loves. They're fun to be around, always kind-hearted and never have a bad thing to say about anyone. Their lives aren't perfect, but they seem to have some secret navigational tool that I wish I was born with. What Would Jesus Do? is a nice movement. But, sometimes, placing yourselves in the shoes of a flawed human being whose life you've actually witnessed in action is a tangible practice in "How would [friend] react to this?"
- Don't beat yourself up. We've all been wrong. We've all made dumb choices and said stupidly ridiculous and damaging things. This is not your permanent lot in life. You just had a bad day. People love you. Your real friends will say, "It's over now. You're a good person. You just had a bad moment." and will continue to love you for the person that you are. Move forward after reparations have been made (or attempted) and don't let gossip be your legacy. Get your Day One chip and consider yourself back on the road to recovery. Haters may be hating. But, haters fade away. True friendships are where you should be investing your best thoughts and time.
