This is the face of depression.
Left Me was taken five minutes before leaving for work this morning. Right Me was five minutes after getting home.
Left Me is the me most people know. She's the one they grew up with or the one who makes the hours pass entertainingly at the office. She's the one telling anecdotes at the holiday table and the one who makes toddlers and old men giggle. Left Me is confident, independent, hilarious and full of love and kindness to share.
Right Me is the one only I see if I happen to cross paths with a mirror at the times I least wish to do so. Right Me hides in bathroom stalls crying and stays home many weekends crippled on the couch. Right Me is the wrong me. She feels purposeless, anxious, annoying and needy.
Left Me doesn't want the world to know that Right Me exists. But, there Right Me is! Puffy and frazzled and frozen on the couch.
Right Me makes Left Me feel weak. She creeps up at least once a decade just to f**k with my life. She sleeps too much but is never well-rested. She aches with pains that seize up our legs. She's lonely yet, ironically, just wants to be left alone. She has sad memories and decides to broadcast them on replay just as Left Me was starting to pick up steam.
Left Me wishes Right Me would just pack up and leave! But Right Me has no place to go. Instead she tries to crumple up Lefty's bucket list and distract her from her livelihood. She ruins relationships and all the progress Left Me has made. But, for whatever reason, she's a part of us and we need to learn to live with her because that's our lot in life. She's our cross to bear.
I don't know why I'm so ashamed to admit that Right Me exists. We all have a Right Me to some extent or another.
She's a little shit, but a tough one. You see, Right Me has been through alot. I should be proud of her because she's quite the champion. Battered but not broken. Maimed but not killed.
She even keeps me safe at times, 'cause that Left Me's a livewire! She brings wisdom by studying the things that Left Me would rather ignore. She slows down Left Me's runaway train. She refuses to stay busy just for busyness's sake. She makes us stop. She makes us think.
Sure Right Me's a downer, but she's probably saved Left Me's life more times than she cares to admit. Lefty's wreckless. Righty walks on eggshells. Odd pair, but somehow a necessary team.
Right Me always seems to show up with a sack full of caution just after Left Me has thrown it all to the wind.
Even though she's a pain, I'm beginning to think I need her. She's a useful pacemaker. She uses that time on the couch to reset our wiring and turn back on all the circuits that Lefty had wildly disengaged.
I'm learning to see depression as a building block in my life. The emergency brakes to the runaway train. It hurts me. It's exhausting. But, it always builds me up stronger and stores up new reserves as it passes that I never dreamed I had any room left for.
I actually started this writing this two months ago but didn't find the courage to post it until now. Right Me convinced me that no one would understand. But, I now know that way too many of you do.
If you also suffer, don't give up. Let your mind and body restore during your slow moving seasons. Use the time that you're down to explore the basement while you're there. There are alot of useful tools down here once you find the strength to look around. Just promise yourself you'll never ever stop looking.
